It’s been a year of self recovery
and rediscovery.
I never thought 2014 would be this
much memorable and, I must say, a redefining year for me. A lot of things have
happened to me this year and while some of them weren’t that favorable, I still
consider them parts of the bigger picture.
I started the year with a very
positive and hopeful outlook but then a series of twists and turns led me to
becoming the most paranoid and hopeless individual I could possibly become. And
all it took was a (lingering) pain in the back.
Guess that was one of my
weaknesses – HEALTH issues. I value health so much that a sudden disturbance to
my normal bodily functions got me super scared and worried, which in turn
attracted a lot of other negative stuff. I started feeling weak and vulnerable
to other diseases. I started creating symptoms that, heck! I don’t even know if they’re really there. Haha!
I’d be honest that at some point,
I just wanted everything to end in a snap (but I didn’t want to die!). To cut
it short, I was crazy the first half of the year. From February to May (I
think), I was so consumed about me deteriorating and dying.
Crazy, right?
Then off I went to Qatar. I must
admit, I have already deleted this possibility in my mind. All I could envision
that time was that I was bound to just stay at home and rot. But a “force” made
everything possible. In just a few weeks, everything was flawlessly
prepared. The only thing that’s not
prepared was me. It took a lot of self-talk and convincing from family members
before I really said yes to the plan.
I left the Philippines sad, scared
and totally afloat. I’ve wasted too much time over thinking to the point that I
was already blinded by my misery. Yes, it was depression. And that time, I
thought nobody really understood what I was going through.
That kind of mindset went on ‘til
early June. It was tiring. It was suffocating. It was a bad, bad experience. I
hate the feeling but I was too weak to overpower it. Then I started letting God
take over.
Prayers and constant communication
with God led me to where I am now. By the end of June, I was already getting
back on track. I found a job (or should
I say, it found me). There were still humps along the road and I was still a
bit surrounded by negativities (and I almost retreated, actually) but faith
kept me going. Faith and the belief of His bigger plans made me stronger. I
started making new friends, I started thinking about future plans again, which
were shelved when I was still “in the dark,” and I started thinking about
living again. I never thought I’d reach this state of mind again.
2014 taught me some of the most
important lessons in life.
First, uncertainties are the only
things certain in this world. We may have plans (and know how to execute them) but
we can never be sure that these plans will turn out they way we want them to
be. It’s always good to have plans but it’s also a must to expect the
unexpected.
Second, there is really a bigger
plan. We may have everything laid out already in our head but God has a bigger
plan for us and all the things that have happened and are happening to our
lives right now are parts and portions of it.
Third, guilt is like a disease
that could slowly eat you up. I’m no saint, I’d be honest. I did things in the
past that I’d consider “out of the ordinary” and therefore, had to be kept to
myself. Later this year, there were things that came up that pushed me to break
the wall and open up to my brothers (if they’re reading this – which I doubt
they would (Haha!) – they would know). It was liberating. The assurance of
their love and support made me bear the weight of the feeling.
Lastly, life is still worth it. When
we’ve come face to face with our biggest problem, I think most of us would just
want to escape and end the suffering. We are dazed by the pain that we want the
quickest relief. Some resort to developing vices and all that and worse, some people
take their own lives. While it is, indeed, the fastest way to end all
sufferings, it will definitely get us into a more miserable destination.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is
that life is a journey and for sure, it will not always be a smooth path. There
will always be bumps along the way and rocks falling here and there but always
and I mean, ALWAYS GIVE LIFE A SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH AND SO ON CHANCE AND
BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT FINE.
We are here, breathing, because each
of us has a purpose. We may not see clearly during the rough times but when the
clouds have all departed, we’ll realize that life is beautiful and that there
are still things to discover and learn; things that are worth living for.
I did not mean to make this entry
too melodramatic but I guess this year really had been quite such a ride. Happy
New Year, everyone!
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