The Reboot

Everything was just like yesterday.

I can still vividly recall everything in my mind: that moment I stepped foot in Singapore’s Changi airport bound for Qatar, the first few days of adjustments in Doha and the numerous job interviews I’ve had to endure before (finally!) landing one.

It’s been a year! :)

When my family sent me off for Qatar, I really had a heavy heart but I had to pretend I was fine. I didn’t want to speak too much to any of them lest I’ll start crying. I avoided being in that plight but I guess things were really just meant to happen that way.

It wasn’t the first time I’ve left the country but it was definitely the first time I’ve left knowing I won’t be back any time soon. It was also the first time I traveled abroad weeping. I was in an emotional struggle. I was a mess. I was trying to win a war I had created internally and while I know I have my family’s full support, I was really scared.

I was afraid of so many things that time, which included failure, loneliness, (and maybe) dying early. Haha! If you’ve been reading my previous posts, you’ll understand where I’m coming from. Hehe.

But God really knows what he’s doing and voila! :) It’s been a year and as of this writing, I would say that I have already fairly adjusted with my new life. I’m still trying to cope with a lot of things in Doha but I’m getting by. Time, as they say, really passes by fast and with all the things that had happened, I guess I was reborn. I didn’t even think I’d last this long here.

Qatar is a very different place compared to the Philippines. It’s a very wealthy country but as they say, “not everything that glitters is gold.” Haha! Kidding! Seriously, while I can enumerate a number of things I hate about this place (most especially the transportation system!), I’ve learned to love Doha as a second home. It sort of saved me from the misery I was in. It gave me the chance to redeem myself. It isn’t the perfect place for moving on but I’ve come to terms with its imperfections. I guess this is where exactly I should be.

Moving on was never easy. While things were going smoothly here, I was still in doubt for the most part of the year. I was still convinced that I’ll die soon. Haha! I guess it’s really the idleness and the fear of the future that fueled all these crazy thoughts. The past two years of not knowing what to do with my life was really a stress. Moreover, the thought that I have a degenerating disease added up to that.

It was when I started letting God take over my life that everything went back to normal again. I freed myself with all the worries and just lifted everything to Him. If I’m going to die, then I might as well do something good for my family – this became my new mantra. Haha! So instead of wasting my days worrying, I focused on landing a job but not totally pressuring myself to the point where I’d end up frustrated (and even more stressed and depressed). I just believed in God’s plan and while I still don’t know exactly what it is, I think that it led me to this job I have right now.

Since then, I slowly started feeling better again. I slow started to rekindle shelved hobbies and goals. I slowly started being me again while pieces of my life’s puzzle were also getting into their places properly. It was a reboot. I guess I just really needed a change of environment and a diversion (my new job) to be normal again. And I also realized that there’s really no way of telling when is our time to die. It’s not in our hands. All we can do for now is to just seize every single moment of our lives and be ready when the time has come to face our Creator.    

Somewhere Only We Know

Uncertainties. Uncertainties. Ugh! Paralyzing. Since I,ve had that upper back muscle tension two months ago (which, I think is getting better now), I really find it hard to recover from overthinking. And yeah, maybe I got depressed already in the process. Up until now, I still don't have a clue about what really caused that muscle tension that really freaked me out, which according to the "general public" was just in my head. Haha! Well, my attempts to feel better worked, I guess, but negative thoughts still linger in my head and I hate it. 

How do you stop your mind from wandering? How do you deal with that "fight or flight" situations that it creates? It's really hard to predict what's gonna happen in the future and I don't know why I've developed this habit of expecting doom and preparing for its aftermath. It's like I'm waiting on something that may not happen at all. But why do I do this to myself? I don't know. Really. 

But if there's any good this thing did to me was that it strenghtened my faith in God. I've learned to lift everything up to Him and trust His plans. I've realized that no matter how hard I worry, things will happen if they're meant to happen. What can we do right now is to try to make things perfect and be happy while we're still given the chance. Seize the moment. Enjoy every minute. We'll never know what the future could bring but if we have faith, we are assured that everything will be alright in the end. 

I'm in SG again for vacation,btw. Haha! :)

Grow Up!

What do you really want in life?

I've been asking myself this question over and over after earlier's interview by a former boss. It was a lousy but one of the most memorable job interviews I've had. I was the one who's lousy, well, maybe because I've known her before and that gave me enough confidence that it'll just be more of a chitchat rather than an interview. 

And I was wrong! Haha! It's like I've entered a war totally unprepared. And when that magic question, "Where do you see yourself in the future?," popped out, I was like --

I don't even remember the exact answer I've given or if that's really where I see myself a few years more. I was totally frazzled. What I remember clearly was telling my ex-boss, "Ang hirap po pala maging adult," and she burst into laughter.

I had to let go of all my inhibitions that time and tell her what I've been through when I left the company and what I feel at this stage in my life. And I was so glad that she completely understands me. She was really kind. That's mainly the reason why I admire her and her family. They're rich but they surely know how to value their people even though they've parted ways with them already. 

At the end of our conversation, she gave me tips on where to start. She told me it's never too late at my age. However, everything expires so I should hurry up. She totally understands that, career-wise, I'd still want to explore a lot of things but she also emphasized that it's time to GROW UP. Makes sense. I've been going with the flow for too long. I'm 28 and clueless. 

I guess I should ask myself that "What do you really want in life?" question more often until I figure out the answer. Oh well!

Hump Day Thoughts

Well, hey! It's my third month here in Singapore and by this time, I am proud (with sarcasm) to say that I am still unemployed.  Yeah,  fate's not been so good to me here or maybe just teaching me a lesson. Haha!  

Seriously speaking -- or writing -- I should be weeping already by now, well, if I were my old self.  It's no joke that I left a job for an uncertain future here.  I just left everything behind just like that to think that I was already earning enough in the Philippines.  Well, enough to sustain the life I was living and enough to regularly share a portion to the family.  

I could say that this journey is one of the most challenging life transitions I've faced. The uncertainty of the future really creeps me out.  But if someone will ask me if I regret anything, I'll proudly say NONE!  Yeah, none at all. :)

The decision to leave my previous job wasn't easy but it was something that had to be done.  Looking back, I think that even without this Singapore plan, I would've still resigned and look for another job.  It might sound like my job was too bad (in every way) but honestly, it wasn't.  It was actually the best job anyone could aspire for.  I wouldn't have spent almost four years in the Foundation if it was that bad.  Haha!  So what made me leave? Uhm, let's just say I was not enjoying the drama anymore and the mood wasn't as lively as it used to be.  And that somehow depressed me.

Hadn't I took the courage to do that, I wouldn't have experienced this awesome long vacation with the entire family.  Hadn't I did what I did, I wouldn't have realized a lot of things.  First, it's really more fun in the Philippines.  You maybe somewhere in the globe right now but there will come a point where you will wish to just go back.  It's not fun living in a place where you are treated as a second class citizen.  Not that I am discriminated here but being surrounded by egoistic people makes me homesick.  I've also realized that money can't overpower pride.  Most kababayans I've spoke with here told me to just grab any job that's available.  I've considered that but thinking thoroughly, I just think that it's a desperate move.  Not that I am being choosy or anything but I just can't picture myself working in a restaurant or a mall selling products.  I mean that would be the most desperate thing I'll do for money.

Whatever happens in my remaining days here, I'll just accept it.  After all, I still have a home to go back to.  I think God wanted me to experience all of this to show me how lucky I am compared to some.  He gave me options.  He made me see that it's not a wonderland out there, abroad.  And also, this break re-energized me, made me want to do things and apply for jobs that suit me.

The future is still uncertain, but I'll be tougher.  I'll stay positive and face every day with confidence for I know that God is with me.  Everything will be okay in His time.  :)