Monday, November 23, 2015
Sometimes I ask myself if this is all worth it. You know, living miles away from your family and friends, in a foreign country with no one to count on to but yourself?
It’s been more than a year now and for no reason (must be the weather, I guess, or Adele’s new album, “25”), I was struck by homesickness – the kind that paralyzes you and the kind that the only thing you can do to ease the feeling is sigh. Ugh! Yesterday I was more than okay and today I just felt so alone that I had to text a lot of people just to feel I’m not. I hate this feeling!
Suddenly, I found myself in limbo again, asking myself, “Where do I go from here?” Good thing I have a job that keeps me busy most of the time during the day and a circle of friends that makes me smile even when I find it really hard to do so. But when the “curtains fall” and I’m on my own again, the feeling comes back.
Considering my age and what I’ve accomplished so far, I still have a lot of insecurities. I want to do a lot of things (and be someone) but I’m too lazy to start. In a way, I can say that the loneliness I’m feeling right now is rooted from those insecurities. I'm longing for things I know I can’t get (umh, maybe just not yet). It’s frustrating.
But who’s to blame or what to do? We can’t have all the things in this world just because we want them, right? Or maybe it’s just not the right time. Maybe God has something more in store for me. Or maybe I should strive harder and do better to achieve them. I believe that life is a journey of endless possibilities and it’s just up to me if I am ready and strong enough to hurdle the challenges to get there (wherever that is. Haha!).
Meanwhile, I stand by my principle to live and love life – be happy, sad, angry, excited, jealous, envious… try new things, meet people… whatever!
Bottom line is: No matter how hard life hits you, stand up and face another punch. With a smile. Haha!
Life won’t stop hitting you (hard!) from time to time but that doesn’t mean you have to take it so seriously. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. I know that. Some people might hate you or treat you like sh*t or leave you feeling empty and used but know for sure that there are people who will treat you special and care for you. Don’t waste your time giving your attention to the wrong people or wrong things. Don’t dwell on gloomy emotions, too (which can really be very addictive).
And to answer the intro question, yes! It’s worth it. Not because I enjoy living alone but because I get to give my family a better life and I get to test my strength physically and emotionally. All the things that had happened and are happening to me here all contribute to a better me. Still a work in progress but it’s better than no progress at all. Haha!
I am alive. I am infinite.