Sunday, May 11, 2014

Under the Middle Eastern Sun

Waiting for boarding at this very moment I'm writing this entry. I'm bound for Qatar. Leaving your loved-ones is really never an easy thing, I bet you'd all agree. I will never ever wish a life without my family. We may have our moments of conflicts and misunderstandings but we surely love one another. Earlier was the first time I wept leaving for abroad. Most of the time I'm really excited and thrilled at the experience. I actually had to go to the comfort room after passing through the Immigration and cry. Haha! And now this "Let It Go" video playing on the waiting area is making me cry again. Ugh! Anyway!

Life really teaches us lessons in different ways. Sometimes we're not even ready. Mine came up at a very bad timing. I was feeling physically weak for almost three months already when this opportunity to go abroad materialized. In a snap, everything was set. I had to deal with a lot of emotional moments before arriving at this decision to go. In the end, I had to be mature enough to handle it.

My primary reason for going is the belief that everything happened because it's part of God's bigger plan for me: this health issue, this opportunity, they're connected. There is no perfect timing in growing up and facing the challenges of life. I've been preparing for this since the year started and now that it's here I'm thinking twice just because I felt I'm not ready yet. But then, things happened and I'm here. 

I believe that God put me in this situation to learn. I believe that He had to let this happen because He wants me to be independent enough to survive. Sure my family will always be there for me but will that be fair? While they're working their asses off, I'm just doing nothing but depend? I know it's not an issue for them but it is for me. I want to be able to provide also for them. I want to be useful. So I guess hadn't I continued with the plan, I will still feel guilty about the efforts and resources that could've gone to waste. 

Yes, I am sad but I would've been sadder had I resisted this change. At least now I have an ongoing goal to provide for my family while I still can. I'm not getting any younger and it's now or never. I could give up. I could stay stuck. Or I could move on. I choose to move on and hope for a better future not only for me but for everyone in the family. This physical issue ain't stopping me. I will succeed.

Qatar, let's do this!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Somewhere Only We Know

Uncertainties. Uncertainties. Ugh! Paralyzing. Since I,ve had that upper back muscle tension two months ago (which, I think is getting better now), I really find it hard to recover from overthinking. And yeah, maybe I got depressed already in the process. Up until now, I still don't have a clue about what really caused that muscle tension that really freaked me out, which according to the "general public" was just in my head. Haha! 
Well, my attempts to feel better worked, I guess, but negative thoughts still linger in my head and I hate it. 

How do you stop your mind from wandering? How do you deal with that "fight or flight" situations that it creates? It's really hard to predict what's gonna happen in the future and I don't know why I've developed this habit of expecting doom and preparing for its aftermath. It's like I'm waiting on something that may not happen at all. But why do I do this to myself? I don't know. Really. 

But if there's any good this thing did to me was that it strenghtened my faith in God. I've learned to lift everything up to Him and trust His plans. I've realized that no matter how hard I worry, things will happen if they're meant to happen. What can we do right now is to try to make things perfect and be happy while we're still given the chance. Seize the moment. Enjoy every minute. We'll never know what the future could bring but if we have faith, we are assured that everything will be alright in the end. 

I'm in SG again for vacation,btw. Haha! :)

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Brain Power

Amazing what our brains can do. It has the power to make us feel really strong and also has the power to makes us feel terrible.

About a month ago, I suddenly had this back muscle tension. At first I didn't really pay attention to it since it was manageable. It was the day when I decided I'd go back to lifting weights again after two or three weeks of hiatus. Anyway, as the days went by, the tension went from manageable to being bothersome and instead of having it checked up, I sought help from the Internet. That was my biggest mistake!

From a simple muscle tension, the list of dreaded diseases came crossing in my mind and I was really scared. At one point, I almost convinced myself that I really have some of those diseases and it was really depressing. It paralyzed me to the point that I am no longer the person I was before this tension came in the picture. And since I was believing this idea that I am sick, the tension in my back just kept intensifying that contributed more to my nervousness and worry. I would wake up from sleep feeling bothered because I was thinking about my back just before I went to bed. I'd panic about all the other small twitches or aches I'd feel. Ugh! It's really crazy! It's as if my brain is telling me that I am sick because it's what I wanted to believe. Approaching life changes also contributed to the stress.

When I finally reached the point of a blur, I decided to get myself checked and I was also hoping I could get some drugs that would help ease the tension. But then, all I got was a long lecture. The doctor told me that he didn't think I'm physically sick. He said I must have only exaggerated that simple tension and it dragged me this long because I won't let go the idea that it's something serious. He even joked that he knows a psychiatrist just in case. Well, it wasn't funny at that time for me because I really think I was going crazy. Lol

Dang! I hate how I think when I feel something about my body. I've always been health conscious but hypochondriasis is a terrible thing. The doctor told me to stay away from readings on the Internet as most of them are still not that proven true. He also told me to try to change the way I think and focus on other things aside from worrying about my health or my back per se.

When I got home, I still have these negative thoughts in my head but I was trying to remove them. It's like a drug that when you indulge yourself thinking about it, it'll take toll on you. It's hard and up until now, I'm still battling against these thoughts. So far, I have managed to calm myself down and it helped. The tension, although still present, is not as intense as before and I hope it totally goes away in the coming days.

I just realized how powerful our brains are. You know one month I was super active, the next I was worried. I only wish I can use my mind to think of more productive stuff and not about these things that are worthless. I'll try. And I should try HARDER! 


Thursday, February 27, 2014

A Curious Case of a (Mild) Cyberchondriac

I really don't know how it all started. I wasn't like this. I used to be carefree and pay no attention to irregularities or sudden disturbances in my normalcy. But late last year, I just started developing this habit of searching the Internet every time I feel something weird about my body. Well, at first I thought I was just doing the right thing -- you know finding your own cure and getting better using your own treatments? Haha! They actually helped. But later on I got so drowned in this habit and all of a sudden, I started imagining things I shouldn't be.

They call it Cyberchondria. It's that "unfounded escalation of concerns about common symptomology based on review of search results and literature online. (Wikipedia)" In short, it's making simple things worse with the help of the Internet. Haha! Yeah! That's how I want to describe it. I wouldn't call mine a serious case, though, but if I don't stop it right now, it will be. 

I would consider idleness as the major culprit for this. Haha! Since I left job two years ago, the Internet has been my constant friend (well, aside from sleep and workout). From simple showbiz gossips to -- yeah -- health related issues, I've read most of them. While I thought I was just being inquisitive and staying up to date, I didn't realize that I was already putting too much information in my head. In the end, all the information got messed up and stressed me. Yeah, stressed me A LOT!

I got over it the first time until a few weeks ago it started happening again and it's driving me crazy!

Recently, I got muscle spasms in my back maybe because of wrong positions or bad posture when I do weightlifting and I started browsing symptoms on the Internet again. And voila! Anxiety attacked again. Ugh! I don't know how much Cortisol or any other hormones my brain or my body had already produced dealing with these thoughts and worries but I know I've caused damaged to my system. 

Good thing I still feel relatively okay despite the spasms. However, I think excessive worrying and overthinking brought other annoying stuff and I hate them. Sometimes I don't even know if they're real or just me. Ugh!

Gradually, I'm beginning to understand the situation and I'm currently in the process of calming myself and returning to that state of zen. 

I'd like to thank my mom and friends who would debunk all my thoughts via iMessage and LINE. Haha! They were a big help. 

Last night, I started doing meditation. I found helpful videos on Youtube (ironically from the Internet again. Lol). Breathing exercises also help. Starting today, I also vowed not to spend too much time online especially on reading stuff that will only make me imagine things. But what I really need is diversion. Yeah, because I've noticed that whenever I'm out or occupied, I feel okay. 

So what's the point of this post? Haha! I just want to share and inform you guys that anxiety is real. I never thought this would happen to me. It sounds sosyal but it doesn't feel good. Ugh! Haha! So a friendly reminder, don't think too much! :)

Monday, February 24, 2014

Life's A Big Puzzle

Just a quick post: 

Stumbled upon this very striking comic strip and thought I'd keep it here on my blog. Goodnight! :)

Friday, February 21, 2014

"What-ifs" and Second Chances

"How do you unwrite the past?... Or at least rewrite it?"

Watching "Starting Over Again," which starred Piolo Pascual and Toni Gonzaga has brought a lot of "what-ifs" to my mind. But don't worry, this is definitely not a movie review. Haha! I just missed writing spontaneously and letting the words from my mind come out. Aside from that, I've also been wanting to try this Blogger app I downloaded for my iPad. Haha! 

Anyway, as I was saying, wouldn't it be a relief if we could go back in time and tweak a few scenes from our lives? Personally, I wish I could. I wish I could go back to certain periods of my life; replay and edit them. 

I wish I could go back to the time when I started losing myself to earthly things. Haha! Admit it, we all got lost at certain points in our lives. You know, living like there's no tomorrow, trying things we haven't done before? Then, I thought it was just okay. In fact I enjoyed some of them. After all, that "we only live once" mantra isn't there for nothing, right? But looking back, I keep telling myself, "You could've said, 'no!'" I could have just stuck to my principles and values.

 I can't help but compare myself to my siblings who were able to flawlessly learn the ropes of Adulthood. I wish life was easy as playing The Sims. Haha!  You know, choosing a job, mastering a hobby, earning Simoleons for construction purposes, refilling your needs. Haha! But life is like magic -- you don't know what will happen next. Everyone has a unique story. And yes, we only live once but if we're to live a life, shouldn't we be living it meaningfully? 

I hate to use this cliché but I guess regret must really be always at the end. We only get to think of the consequences of our actions once they're already done. And now, there's nothing we can do but face these consequences because life will continue and we will move forward. Well, I guess that's how I see things now. 

I still haven't found the way back to the place where I left my old self but I'm still trying. Still lost. For those who were able to get back on track, teach me how. Time is running and I know that I have to get out of this situation soonest. I'm just so grateful that whatever life throws at me, I know that I have my family and friends to support and love me. 

Keep moving. 


*written on a cold, boring night after playing Sims FreePlay. Download it on the AppStore or Google Play. Lol*